So, last night I did something that I have only ever done a few times in my life: I got a blessing. With my dad being inactive and all, I didn't grow up with the idea of doing anything but being self reliant when it came to most everything. When I have hard times, I find it difficult to turn to others and ask for help. I especially find it hard to turn to people, that, honestly, I barely really know and ask them to give me a blessing. Not to mention, the few blessings that I have had never worked out the way I wanted them to. I'm sure that there is some greater plan in which it worked out the best way, but in my limited view, I don't see how it works out very well for me.
Anyway, lately I've been forced to review my life and how I deal with things, and while it is not the worst possible way, its not very healthy for me, either. I've never had problems like I have had lately, and I'm not sure how they came along. I've been trying to fix things, but apparently I fail, so desperate times call for desperate measures and I finally gave in to the idea that I need help that's not just my own.
So, I got a blessing and I'm hoping that it really, really helps... and not hoping like I hoped BYU would beat
Anyway, in the last week or so, I've made a few realizations. There are worse things than having a complicated life. I have a friend who, lovingly, in the worst way possible is showing me the harsh realities of things worse than most things I've experienced. I'm not used to having a complicated life. Usually, I'm fairly simple and my life is fairly boring. I have my set schedule and I have people I'm friends with, but not great friends. I can take them or leave them, with few exceptions. Close friends makes life complicated, but I prefer it to my boring life.
Lately, things have not been so good, because something apparently has to be proved. While I don't agree with tactics, and I'm not sure that anyone fully understands what it is I need to learn, I have come to learn a few things.
I have a great appreciation for what I did have at one point.
Things are what they are and that's just how it is.
I am absolutely predictable in how I deal with things.
There are few things worse than losing a friend.
I can't make things happen on my own time.
There are few things in life I can truly control, but I can control what I do.
Patience is heavenly.
I need to cherish my friends and be thankful that I have them, no matter what the situation.
Things should roll off my back like a happy duck in the rain.
I shouldn't be the one to make my friends unhappy. If I am, what kind of friend am I, really?
I can think of about a million more things I have learned, but there's no way to form it into words. I know I feel different, but I can't describe how. I'm just not verbally skilled that way. I can't say that I'm done changing, either...
I'm like a piece of sea glass... always getting more and more polished. I'm still jagged, but eventually I will be smooth and beautiful. I can't expect anything instantly. Just like the sea glass, I'm still going to be rough for many, many years, but I'll continue to be polished for the rest of my life.
I think, though, that there are times in your life where, instead of being stuck between those two rocks, and only getting a corner polished, you are being tossed in the harshest of hurricanes through the coarsest of sand. It hurts, and it hurts bad, but once you get out of it, you are the most beautiful you have ever been. Right now, I’m in the storm, but I’m looking forward to the end. Hopefully, it will come soon.
I can’t claim to be fixed completely, but I think I’ve been given a hard kick and am hurdling in the right direction… I hope that that is good enough.
