I have never been an unhappy person... until lately. I don't really understand why, but recently I have lost the capacity to be happy for more than about a day. I used to not really feel much of any emotion, but now it seems like I'm on a constant roller coaster being completely miserable and then completely happy in a matter of hours. Even when I am having moments of happiness, though, I sense how fleeting they really are and always have a tinge of sadness. Whether on the inside or the outside, I feel like I am always crying. I don't understand and I don't know how to get better.
I have always been a little mono-chromatic in the emotions area. There's only really been one time before in my life that I have felt extreme emotion, but it was the good, happy kind. The kind that feeds your soul so you feel you no longer have need for food. It was the kinds of emotion that make you want to float on a cloud and constantly dance. Then I got hurt and I resumed my shutting down of all emotions.
I would say in the majority of my life, I have felt contentedness and maybe whims of other emotions. It has always really actually been a problem. I have never been able to express emotion on my flute and many teachers have called me out for it. Eventually, I learned to manufacture emotional sound, but I still can't really say I have ever felt a piece of music. Honestly, though, people could always tell a little that I was dead inside.
I'd smile, though, and fool a lot of people. It was my attempt at fake it 'till you make it, and I faked it enough that people thought I made it, and I was content.
Now, though, I've lost the ability to even be content. I feel like I have to now pay for the short time in my life when I was truly happy. Now I have to go through being completely miserable and being on a constant roller coaster of highs and lows with no stability whatsoever in life. I feel like I have to learn again how to be happy, but I don't know how to teach myself. I really just want to be able to shut down all my emotions again, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I need to find something to fix me, though, because I can't continue to live in my current state for very long. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and avoid all human contact. I want to retreat to my dreams where life always seems to be better and I can actually feel happy. I want to run away to home so that I don't have to deal with everything that is so screwed up right now. I want to sever all ties from everything and anyone I know and start completely fresh. I want to reinvent myself to become a better person than the horrible one I feel I am becoming. I don't know how... and I don't really want to, I just feel like I need to.
Is this what living is like? If so, then I almost want to go back to being my boring, unfeeling self. It hurt a lot less and I was much more successful at it. I need a success in life so that I can feel like I'm doing more than just failing in every aspect. Is this what 21 is supposed to feel like? Where do I go to feel good? What in the world did I do to get this?
I need fixing.
Meanwhile, I'll wear my facade.
Help me.
