Thanksgiving

Yeah, it's cliche, but I figure it is Thanksgiving. What better time to do a "what I am thankful for" posting?

I am thankful for:

• my family. They may be crazy, but I can always count on them.
• the fact that I don't have to constantly be watching over my shoulder. People are generally trustworthy and aren't out to get you. In other places, if you don't have one hand on everything you own, it will disappear. I worse places, if you don't have one eye on everyone you know, you might end up dead.
• availability of things at convenience. I have never had to slaughter my own animal. I just have to go down the street to have practically anything I could want at my fingertips.
• People's predictability. While some call it boring, I think it is a very nice thing to know how someone will react to something and be ready for it.
• opportunities I have to do anything I really ever want to do. If I want to make Jewelery, then I can run to the store and get stuff for it. If I want to become a mechanic, I can just go to the nearest school and learn it. If I want to study anthropology, I can just do research on the internet. Anything I want to do, I can.
• my friends. I know that I can always be helped out in a jam.
• freedom to choose. No one has ever told me that I must become something I don't want to... or at least I know I never ever have to listen to them.
• my puppies... yes this is cheesy, but I am thankful for their absolute loyalty. No matter what happens, they will always love me.
• being me. I haven't been myself for a while and I forget how refreshing it is to just be able to be my own goofy self with people who are used to it, and even find it entertaining.
• smiling. Either smiling myself or people smiling to me, it just is nice.
• good hugs. In my opinion, no one gets them or gives them enough... which is weird for me to say, becasue I have always been a disliker of hugs. I suppose things change.
• understanding. Things are so much easier when people understand what you are trying to say.
• having the knowledge that I do. I love learning and love knowledge. Though I am no expert in anything, I like to know what I do.
• the Church. I know my life would be so much worse if it weren't for the Church and the things it teaches me.

I don't count my blessings frequently enough, and when I do, I'm always blown away with how much I'm blessed with. I have forgotten lately, and to anyone I have hurt with my negativity and pessimism, I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Things I have Learned on My Drive with My Family

so, my drive to Tucson is only half over, but its really quite interesting the things I have learned so far.

I have inherited different things from both my parents. I drive like my father. I always thought I learned it from my mom, because, let's be honest, females tend to drive similarly. But, as I've seen my life flash before my eyes about a half dozen times, and being told by my friends and brother that I make them worry for life when I drive, I think I must drive more like my dad. I'm turning into my mother, personality-wise, though. I love my mother, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. She is quick to get offended and doesn't have the ability to let things roll off her back, especially when it comes to my sister. I always thought my thought processes were more similar to my father's, but as I get older, I seem to be turning more and more into my mother. Again, I do love my mother, but I like how I used to be chill. (on a side note, I learned from my sister last night that "chill" is a Utah term and, apparently, I sound retarded when I say that in the Bay Area)
I laugh like a maniacal penguin sometimes. I know that I have weird laughs. I can't help it... I always have. My brother has always made fun of me and when I was about seven, I became very self conscious. So, I changed my laugh intentionally. Unfortunately, I never really knew what I should change it to becasue I had never really studied laughs, so I had many laughs. That never really changed. So now I have about a million different ways I laugh, and I have no real control over it. So, sometimes I laugh like a donkey, and sometimes I laugh like a maniacal penguin. I also snort... that's always fun.

I'm the "crazy" one in my family. I'm full of songs and I'm not afraid to sing them. I go to church and believe it. I don't claim to be addicted to drugs just for fun. I, believe it or not, am the one to take the dares and make a fool out of myself for fun. We all have our crazy moments, but I'd say I have the most moments.

I get very re-sensitized while I am at school. My brother showed me a youtube video (yes, on the road because we have awesome internet :D ) of a guy with touretts and it amazed me how much it kinda hurt me to hear someone screaming the way he did. While I'm not a super sensitive person when it comes to cursing, and I actually think that people at school are generally way too serious about it, I was suprised how sensitive I was to it.

I have a place in my family. Believe it or not, I am the mediator in my family. I usually have the most level head in the family. I do have occasions where I go a little crazy, but majority of the time, I am the outsider able to give the most unbiased opinion. If I can't find my place anywhere else in the world, at least I know that I have a purpose in my family.

It's amazing how well blessings work. I'm not going to lie. I'm very skeptical about blessings, but this one seems to have helped a ton. Today, and most of yesterday, I'm finally able to detatch myself and look objectively at my whole situation. I now feel at peace inside about whatever might happen in the future. I know longer have this feeling of a hole left in the pit of my body that somebody decided to fill with metal bars that were actively twisting and breaking inside of me. Now, I feel the most normal I've been in a long time. It may not be how I want it to be, but I know that however it does turn out, I will feel okay about it.

I can never stop loving the people I have ever loved. Even if I don't think people who I love and who once loved me still do, I worry. I care for people... it just my nature. I still even love Nolan and it makes me very sad to see where his life has gone. I still love my friends from high school, and though I don't speak to them very often, or see them, I still... I guess check up on them would be the only way to put it. I like to know where my friends have ended up, and I like to help them be where they want to, if I can. In any case, I always worry about my friends and if they are okay, or going to be okay. I also love my family, as much as we don't ever show it. I miss them, though I was always raised to be so independent. I worry about them, too. I like to help... that's one thing I'm really happy I inherited from my mom.

I'm sure before I get to Arizona, there will be a million more things I'm going to want to put up here, but for now, I have said what I feel I need to... I have a feeling this will be the week of blog postings, though, for me.

I am Sea Glass (fixing it)

So, last night I did something that I have only ever done a few times in my life: I got a blessing. With my dad being inactive and all, I didn't grow up with the idea of doing anything but being self reliant when it came to most everything. When I have hard times, I find it difficult to turn to others and ask for help. I especially find it hard to turn to people, that, honestly, I barely really know and ask them to give me a blessing. Not to mention, the few blessings that I have had never worked out the way I wanted them to. I'm sure that there is some greater plan in which it worked out the best way, but in my limited view, I don't see how it works out very well for me.
Anyway, lately I've been forced to review my life and how I deal with things, and while it is not the worst possible way, its not very healthy for me, either. I've never had problems like I have had lately, and I'm not sure how they came along. I've been trying to fix things, but apparently I fail, so desperate times call for desperate measures and I finally gave in to the idea that I need help that's not just my own.
So, I got a blessing and I'm hoping that it really, really helps... and not hoping like I hoped BYU would beat Utah, but hoping with a confidence that I know things will work out. I learned about hope last night, and realized that I have not been a very hopeful person lately. I suppose once bitten, twice shy and I'm still not sure that things will work out the way I want them to, but I know they will work out the best way for me.
Anyway, in the last week or so, I've made a few realizations. There are worse things than having a complicated life. I have a friend who, lovingly, in the worst way possible is showing me the harsh realities of things worse than most things I've experienced. I'm not used to having a complicated life. Usually, I'm fairly simple and my life is fairly boring. I have my set schedule and I have people I'm friends with, but not great friends. I can take them or leave them, with few exceptions. Close friends makes life complicated, but I prefer it to my boring life.
Lately, things have not been so good, because something apparently has to be proved. While I don't agree with tactics, and I'm not sure that anyone fully understands what it is I need to learn, I have come to learn a few things.

I have a great appreciation for what I did have at one point.
Things are what they are and that's just how it is.
I am absolutely predictable in how I deal with things.
There are few things worse than losing a friend.
I can't make things happen on my own time.
There are few things in life I can truly control, but I can control what I do.
Patience is heavenly.
I need to cherish my friends and be thankful that I have them, no matter what the situation.
Things should roll off my back like a happy duck in the rain.
I shouldn't be the one to make my friends unhappy. If I am, what kind of friend am I, really?

I can think of about a million more things I have learned, but there's no way to form it into words. I know I feel different, but I can't describe how. I'm just not verbally skilled that way. I can't say that I'm done changing, either...

I'm like a piece of sea glass... always getting more and more polished. I'm still jagged, but eventually I will be smooth and beautiful. I can't expect anything instantly. Just like the sea glass, I'm still going to be rough for many, many years, but I'll continue to be polished for the rest of my life.

I think, though, that there are times in your life where, instead of being stuck between those two rocks, and only getting a corner polished, you are being tossed in the harshest of hurricanes through the coarsest of sand. It hurts, and it hurts bad, but once you get out of it, you are the most beautiful you have ever been. Right now, I’m in the storm, but I’m looking forward to the end. Hopefully, it will come soon.

I can’t claim to be fixed completely, but I think I’ve been given a hard kick and am hurdling in the right direction… I hope that that is good enough.

Good Times

Here's a post of all the crazy/fun times I've had this semester (not in any particular order than the natural flow of my thoughts).

• Dressing Heather Emo... turns out I learned a lot from Leyna
  
• Middle of the night trips to hot springs-- and getting my toes frozen off looking for them
• learning how to throw a football
• finding people who are as crazy as I am in band
• haunted houses-- and chatting with the ghosty people. Apparently some of them are gay and some have seen Jesus!
• Betos... enough said
• meeting a whole bunch of really awesome people
• becoming "one of the guys"... I may complain about it, but deep down, it's kinda fun :P
• Mooseburger... and learning that I will never look my age... and that some waiters are CRAZY!
  
• cooking... getting to de-stress and do something nice for my friends... can't beat that.
• camping trip where I learned that you actually can start a fire by blowing on it... and we couldn't find the toilet... and then we had to run back the mile to get TP... freaked out the whole time with only a lantern.
  
• pumpkin sacrifice!
• getting to try a cougar tail... its a big deal when you never get to eat at games.
• Games-- mainly UCLA... holy cow, that was a fun one
• RMYL 189 field trip. I found out that I have the strange talent of making animal noises really well.
  
• Freshman ward reunion... awkward as heck, but also very interesting... missions do strange things to people... and absolutely nothing to some people, too.
• carving a very sad pumpkin that fell apart the next day anyway.
• Getting to know you questionnaire at FHE...
  
• Eggs... which I don't even remember the story to anymore.
  
• Aspen grove... awesome stars and aeroball.
  
• signs... played it three times this semester and every time, its even more hilarious.
• Fridays in family rec... who knew that college students got together and played games every week for a grade?
• Tour of the stadium... I've been to every nook and cranny including the president's box and all that jazz.
• The Jazz... learning about basketball again... which I haven't done since high school.
• Telling my mom about the Jazz and having my dog, Jazz, react every time that my mom says it on the phone.
  
• being introduced to all the amazing places to eat around provo.
• nickelcade... who knew video games were actually fun, when you're with the right people.
• bowling... "I'm looking at your butt" makes Mal bowl worse, but strangely, makes Ian bowl better... not sure what that is saying.
• Haunted hotels... scariest night of my life... next to that one night dog sledding.
• dinner in the hot tub... found out it makes your stomach act very strangely
• Wingers... and fake wingers
• A field show with an electric guitar... who was amazingly attractive
• learning I can kinda play guitar... at least more than I ever thought possible
• Olive Garden and freaking out the waiter... on multiple occasions :P
  
• Heather's pumpkin pie... and the amazingly attractive waiter
• Late night trips to various food establishments and wal-mart
• Games at Ian's family's house... or just chilling there in general, especially when his sisters make him dance disco with himself. hahaha!
• tokyo tokkyou kyokakyoku
• nearly passing out in first aid... then doing the same to my friends :P
• band camp... crazy times every year... hot and miserable, yet, strangely fun...
• Bro. Mac: "Not to be obnoxious, but you've lost weight and you look good" hahaha... awkward
• discovering old people are very entertaining... and almost losing my life every time I got in a car that trip.
• Rugged Oompah Loompahs in my closet
• USU game and the amazing food band always feeds us... and the apple I found in my parka a week later (and it was still good).
• finding out I'm a lightweight... again, embarrassing, and yet strangely funny.
• Comedy sports... why are you asking me? I am a human! see my knee... here's my other knee...
  

I'm sure there are a million more things that I'll think of right when I'm no longer around the computer, but that's a pretty good list for now. If there's something left off that offends you, I'm sorry... I probably just didn't think of it at this precise moment.

Friends

So, I like to think that I would do anything for my friends. I like to think that, if I had need to, or I guess if my friends had need, then I would take a bullet for them. Lately, though, I have discovered that I may be blind.
What if what my friends need me to do for them is let them go? I had never considered that that could be the case. For me, I think that might be worse than taking a bullet, but I would do anything for my friends, right? I hoped to never be in that situation, but now that it may be very real, can I take a bullet? Do my friends really want me to take a bullet?

I hope they don't, and I hope I don't have to...

I'm not crazy!!!

So, as it turns out... I'm not as crazy as I thought. I was in my first aid class and we went over carbon monoxide poisoning. As we were going over the symptoms, I was like "I have that... and that... and that, too!!" And then I realized that our apartment's carbon monoxide detector has been going off every day for like a month and a half or so. We all thought that the detector was scitzo, so we always ignored it.
After my class, I went to the doctors because I can't get over this stupid cold cough thing I have and my mom thought it might be pneumonia (which it isn't... its just a new strain of some a-something-a-rather virus) and while I was there, I decided to ask about carbon monoxide poisoning. I told the doctor that I have been fatigued and dizzy and generally just icky before I even got sick. He said that sounded exactly like carbon monoxide poisoning, and put together with my detector going off, all signs pointed to me having a minor case of poisoning. Then he told me that if I took 4 ib profien three times a day for four days, it should take care of any symptoms I have from poisoning (assuming the leak gets fixed). Then he listed all the symptoms so I would know what to expect. One of them was... you guessed it: depression!!!
So, I may be crazy, but soon I should be back to my normal crazy and not my extreme state of unhappy craziness. I can't even describe how happy I am to find out there is a reason that I've been feeling how I have. Apparently, my brain is inflamed (according to my long-winded doctor) and I can actually feel normal again with a handful of pills.

I'm so happy!

Apparently, I can't handle my liquor.

So, I've been sick for a while. I have had this cough that refuses to go away. And its not like a once an hour you cough your lungs out... no. That would be nice. This one is a every deep breath I take I cough once or twice. Sometimes it is an every word you say, you have to cough in between kind of cough. Needless to say, I am quite irritated.
Last Friday, Mallory, Ian, and I decided to watch Remember the Titans, and about every three seconds, I would cough. It was really annoying, so I decided to go home and take some cough syrup. Normally, it knocks me out, but if I try really hard I can stay awake. Unfortunately, that night, I guess I couldn't fight very hard and I was asleep on Ian's couch within a half hour. I guess he fell asleep on the other couch, which left Mallory watching the movie all by herself next to me.
Apparently, I was still coughing in my sleep, though, because Mal told me that it sounded like I was laughing and would cough/laugh at all the right times in the movie... weird.
Anyway, so if I get woken up from a cough syrup sleep before about five hours after I've taken it, I'm pretty loopy. Unfortunately, I couldn't very well spend the night on Ian's couch, so Mal did the nice thing and tried to wake me up.
DISCLAIMER: Most of the following, I don't really remember, but was told by Mallory. All I can really remember is a little bit like a dream you have, but you can only remember the feeling of and no real details.
So, apparently it takes Mallory like twenty minutes to wake me up in the first place. I guess she tried taking my blanket off my toes, which I made a loud grunt at and re-covered my toes. She tried getting me to stand up... I guess I ended up on the ground. Basically, every attempt she made led to me making some really embarrassing mean grunt and rolling over and ignoring her. Honestly, she's probably lucky I didn't kick her or something.
Realizing she couldn't get me up, she woke up Ian to see if he would have any more luck. I guess he picked me up and put me back on the couch. Then he ripped the blanket off me, to which I woke up. And this part I remember: I opened my eyes and saw him and got really freaked out and exclaimed "where am I?!". I remember thinking I was in my bed asleep, but suddenly there was a guy standing over me. I was a little freaked out. After that, it gets foggy again. I think I fell back asleep, but somehow Ian got me to stand up.
I guess I couldn't really stand up, though, so he was holding me up. I guess I wanted my purse, and I couldn't talk... or maybe I wouldn't talk, or something, so I grunted at my purse and Mallory read my mind. Then I realized I didn't have shoes on, so I got Ian to let me go... or maybe he was still holding me up... and I put my shoes on. And then I had to walk back to my place. Ian was still holding me up, but I think at some point I made him let me go to prove I could walk on my own.
I walked... well wobbled into my apartment, and there were of course a million and a half people over, who all started snickering at me (that I remember a little, because I was embarrassed.... apparently before this I had no shame??). Then I realized I didn't have my cell phone which is my alarm clock, so I mumbled something about it to Mallory and then wobbled back to Ian's and just walked in and took my cell phone.
Then I came back and walked upstairs... I'm pretty sure I really just pushed myself up the wall, cuz I don't think I could have balanced and wobbled at the same time. Then I realized how thirsty I was and came back down to get a drink. Then I apparently started falling asleep with the cup falling out of my hands, so Mal sent me back upstairs. After that I remember texting Mallory and Ian, but I don't think I was all that coherent... or at least I can't really remember if the texts I sent were intelligible at all. After a while, I finally fell asleep.
The next morning was, of course, game day. I have never seen the sun so painfully bright, or the drum line so poundingly loud. I thought my brain would liquefy and just pour out of the holes in my face.
So, in conclusion, I apparently am a lightweight and can't handle a tiny cup of 10% alcohol. Who knew? I guess that's what I get for never really drinking alcohol in my life. If you ever want to see me really strange, though, now you know what to do :P

Happiness

I have never been an unhappy person... until lately. I don't really understand why, but recently I have lost the capacity to be happy for more than about a day. I used to not really feel much of any emotion, but now it seems like I'm on a constant roller coaster being completely miserable and then completely happy in a matter of hours. Even when I am having moments of happiness, though, I sense how fleeting they really are and always have a tinge of sadness. Whether on the inside or the outside, I feel like I am always crying. I don't understand and I don't know how to get better.
I have always been a little mono-chromatic in the emotions area. There's only really been one time before in my life that I have felt extreme emotion, but it was the good, happy kind. The kind that feeds your soul so you feel you no longer have need for food. It was the kinds of emotion that make you want to float on a cloud and constantly dance. Then I got hurt and I resumed my shutting down of all emotions.
I would say in the majority of my life, I have felt contentedness and maybe whims of other emotions. It has always really actually been a problem. I have never been able to express emotion on my flute and many teachers have called me out for it. Eventually, I learned to manufacture emotional sound, but I still can't really say I have ever felt a piece of music. Honestly, though, people could always tell a little that I was dead inside.
I'd smile, though, and fool a lot of people. It was my attempt at fake it 'till you make it, and I faked it enough that people thought I made it, and I was content.
Now, though, I've lost the ability to even be content. I feel like I have to now pay for the short time in my life when I was truly happy. Now I have to go through being completely miserable and being on a constant roller coaster of highs and lows with no stability whatsoever in life. I feel like I have to learn again how to be happy, but I don't know how to teach myself. I really just want to be able to shut down all my emotions again, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. I need to find something to fix me, though, because I can't continue to live in my current state for very long. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and avoid all human contact. I want to retreat to my dreams where life always seems to be better and I can actually feel happy. I want to run away to home so that I don't have to deal with everything that is so screwed up right now. I want to sever all ties from everything and anyone I know and start completely fresh. I want to reinvent myself to become a better person than the horrible one I feel I am becoming. I don't know how... and I don't really want to, I just feel like I need to.
Is this what living is like? If so, then I almost want to go back to being my boring, unfeeling self. It hurt a lot less and I was much more successful at it. I need a success in life so that I can feel like I'm doing more than just failing in every aspect. Is this what 21 is supposed to feel like? Where do I go to feel good? What in the world did I do to get this?

I need fixing.

Meanwhile, I'll wear my facade.


Help me.

Animals-- dogs

People think I'm weird. Well, they think I'm weird for a number of reasons, but a lot of people think I'm weird because I care about animals. To be specific, a lot of times I feel worse for animals than I do for humans in similar situations.
For me, pets and children are very similar. They are both innocent and completely dependent on others for survival. Therefore, when either one is hurt by those who take care of them, I feel very sad. That is why, if I see an animal being hurt on television, I am more likely to cry than if I see a full grown adult human being hurt. The animals have no control over their situation, whereas, nine times out of ten, the person does.
On top of that, dogs, specifically, are so sweet. They don't care who you are or what you have done, they still love you. They never turn their backs on you and it is really hard to get in a fight with a dog and have them sulk in hurt feelings or a week. Dogs don't care how old you are, if you are pretty, or how much you make. They will always do whatever it takes to make you feel better. All dogs know is love and they are completely willing to share it. Dogs don't withhold information or scheme on how to make you feel like trash. Dogs don't play favorites. If you've had a bad day, dogs are always there to make you feel better, and they want to be there to help. Dogs always love to cuddle and aren't ever afraid to show you they love you.
I grew up in a house where saying I love you or physically touching anyone was a little strange. Through a series of unfortunate events, I went to a school outside of my attendance zone, and, therefore, had no children my age to play with in my neighborhood. My dog, Taffy, was my best friend. She loved me and, though she obviously didn't talk, she showed me every day. Taffy always wanted to be with me and I could tell her anything and sh would still accept me for who I was. Anything I wanted to do, Taffy was right there at my side. Even if I was just playing at the computer, taffy would be right there at my feet so I could pet her with my toes. Every night, Taffy would sleep in my room, preferring it over her own bed in the living room. Taffy was an amazing friend. She was my best friend until the night she died in my arms.
I hope that all dogs really do go to heaven because Taffy is as much family as any of my actual family is to me. If anything, Taffy is the one in my family who taught me how to feel. She was the one who kept me sane for much of my life and the one that taught me that loving something isn't a crime. I miss Taffy terribly, but am grateful for everything she helped me through.
I will forever be a dog person and am so sad that I can't have one where I live. I feel like a peice of my heart is always missing, and you can think I'm weird for that, but that is just the person I am.