This year has been the first year in a long time that I have had to completely start fresh. I have only one person living anywhere near me who has known me for more than just this year, and she is my best friend. I know that no matter who I decide to be, she will accept me for it. So, like I was saying, I had a fresh start this year.
Deciding who I wanted to be was actually really difficult. I had to find a balance between who I have been, who I wanted to be, and what I could actually pull off. For me, this process is not easy.
I know who I have been before. I'm usually the bookish girl who doesn't get the best grades, but doesn't seem to have a social life, either. The one who bottles every emotion in until it all comes spewing out in various concentrated forms of emotion. I'm a little like a fairy when that happens: only capable of feeling one emotion at a time. Sometimes its is my frustration that comes out, sometimes extreme happiness, but most of the time its the fact that I'm really weird and I stifle it in all of my classes. Yes, I have explosions of strangeness that usually come out late at night and include impressions of raindrops and apes, sound effects, and strange comments which are frequently just shy of offensively honest. I have been the awkward kid sitting alone in the classroom praying that nobody sits by her and tries to start a conversation. I have been the one with a few friends that she lets fall away because of her inability to keep up healthy communication. I have always been the ones with skills up the wazoo, but the likeability factor of 2 (on a scale of 1-100).That's who I have been.
I know who I want to be. I want to be Ms. Perfect. One of those caring, kind people who just radiate love straight from their soul. One of those people that when they hug you, life just seems to be better, even if you had the worst day of your life. One of those people that's not afraid to get close to people for fear of intense emotional scarring. An accepting person, but not a pushover. A girl-- not a girly girl, but not a tomboy like I am now. Someone who people trust with their problems and someone who doesn't intimidate people. On top of it all, completely irresistible. That's who I want to become.
So how have I done now that my fresh start has started? Well, I know I can't be perfect. No surprise there. Have I come any closer? I like to think so... but, I guess I won't really know for a long time. I have become someone different. I have new friends who don't allow me to be my shy awkward former self, but I don't know if who I have become is any better. I like to think that I'm able to help people more, but I think I also cause more problems now. If appearances were based on how people felt, or their thoughts, I don't think anybody would really recognize me this year from last, but I don't think I'm any closer to where I want to be. So far, I'm not sure the fresh start really means anything. In the end, it is all the same.
I have felt lately, though that I am closer to what people expect me to be. I can almost say I am the classic college student. I go on adventures, stay out till all hours, and I'm actually acting my age. Some say this is a regression considering I have always acted at least 40 years of age, but I think it is healthy. College was always one time of my life I didn't want to miss out on, and though I have been physically attending college, I have felt like I was missing most of the true experience. This doesn't mean that I'm not a crazy drug addicted alcoholic who has sex every weekend with a different guy or anything, but it does mean that I'm no longer a grandmother. Yes, I have risen from the rocker to find my rightful place in the banana chair equipped with a jack and speakers. I am 21 and I'm gonna love it.
