So much can change

So, I love prayers and life and so many other things. Never in my life have I had prayers so clearly answered as with this situation, which has now bloomed into what I knew it could be. It was like Heavnly Father actually wrote me a letter, or gave me a call to tell me exactly how things were and are going to be, and I can't complain about that. 

I have never been happier in my life than how I am right now. Things are just going well... Well, things that matter are going well. Funny thing is is that I feel like time has stretched and shortened itself all at the same time. 

I must say that it is an amazing feeling to wake up in the morning and have your first thought be "how can I make this person happy today?" It is even better to know that they are thinking, "How can I make Jewel happy today?" It is great that problems just seem to melt when that is your mentality and issues that could have been big seem to cease existing. 

Happiness is no longer wanting to complain.

Time

I've decided that time is no more than a false illusion. There is no such real thing as time. Time doesn't fill any space, real or imaginary, becasue it has an amazing ability to morph to whatever it decides it wants to. Not only that, but at the exact same moment, time can be one illusion for one person, and a total other illusion for another person.

These last few months have been crazy when it comes to time. When I think about things that have happened as recently as last semester, I feel like they have been years ago. When I think about how short a time I have actually known people, it boggles my mind. There is no way that I met Mike only three months ago. That is absolutely impossible. Yet, when I think about school, time has been flying. I can't believe we are almost half way through the semester already.

Time is crazy. I don't believe in it any more. It has no real standard by which it goes, becasue everything just doesn't fit.

Optimistic

"Hey Boo!" The remains of what could have been amazing. Yet, I don't really feel all that disappointed. Sure, I'm a little sad, but a good cry, and for some reason I'm ok. I don't know what really is going on, but my optimism is shining through for me on this. I can't think anything negative for longer than a few minutes and a voice comes into my head saying things will work out the way they should, and I'm not scared. I don't get it, but I'm not complaining. I suppose I feel that things will work out in the end one way or another to make life work the best way possible. Maybe I feel that I have been dealt enough rotten hands to really think that I would desrve this to be another one. I think the balance of life is tipped in my favor and life will be great no mater what. 

I'd normally be thinking of ways thing could have gone differently, but I think that it might not have even been a possibility for things to be different. I feel like no matter how I tried to avoid certain things, they just kept coming back... and they were scary ideas, but somehow comforting at the same time. They were just unavoidable... I'm just happy, and I can't complain too much. I just hope that his choices will bring him happiness, too. It's so weird, and I'm a little confused as to why I am so okay. Maybe I just don't feel like things really have ended. Maybe I just have hope. Hope is good.

Fresh Beginnings, Non-extreme Makeover Style

So, I've figured out that I like who I am, and that, as weird as I might be, other people like who I am, too. Again, maybe not every aspect, but the good majority of my personality and quirks. I just needed to find the right people to hang out with and uplift me to the point where I can feel like I can completely be myself.
Right after I wrote my last entry (and I do mean like the day after), I met my now boyfriend. I figured out that there are people out there who just like me for the way I am. Everything that I have ever been self conscious of seems to be something that he notices and even likes about me. Everything from the fact that I have perpetual hiccups to the freckles on my shoulders seems to make me unique and beautiful in his eyes. All the things I'm afraid guys will go after me for, while not a negative, are not even the reasons that he sought after me. While I am afraid that guys will just see me as a good homemaker who should stay barefoot and pregnant, he didn't even see how I could be a homemaker. While I'm always afraid that I'd be sought after purely because I have the "good Mormon wife" skills, he saw me as a person. Not only that, he even liked me when he didn't think I necessarily had any of those skills at all.
It's so strange... I barely even know him, but I feel like I've known him for so long. I know it's a cliche, but it works and it's true. I seem like, though I don't know every fact of his life, I know who he is and what his personality is. I feel like even after just knowing him the first day, that he and I are nearly the same person when it comes to thought processes and ideas. We're so similar and so easily build off each other to create a better version of us.
We can just be together and be happy... we don't even have to be doing anything except existing with each other and I am perfectly happy. I suppose this is the happiness I was craving so desperately last semester. I'm so happy I've figured out the right places to find it.

Peace

So, I finally figured out the word that describes how I feel right now, and for the past week. Peace. Sure, I have a million things to do and stress is a close second, but right now, everything is built on top of peace. I think that is amazing. Where my life had been a turbulent torrent of gale force winds ripping at the sea inside me, I now feel like a still pond fed by the morning mist.
I think there can only be one reason I would suddenly have this come over me. The blessing I got. It gave me amazing perspective and made me realize I was blowing things way out of proportion. There is no way that the things I was worried about mattered that much in the long run of things. If I get a bad grade, sure it will be upsetting for about a month, and then I'd move on. Before, it seemed nearly life or death. I've been caught up in the moment and lost my sight of the bigger picture. My blessing, though, made me realize. People could tell me over and over, but I just never let it click in my head, and that is what I needed.
I now know why the Holy Ghost is called the comforter. I have never had such a warm, still feeling inside me. I feel like I was wrapped in a giant down blanket and tucked in just right-- like my parents used to when I was a child. Perfectly warm with a feeling of being loved. It's magnificent.
Things will never be perfect, but life wouldn't be life without imperfection. I feel like I'm back to myself, being able to be who I am and what I want to be without having to be completely reliant on other things and outside forces. I feel good about myself and that's what matters. I like the person I am-- maybe not every aspect, but I realized that I don't need a complete overhaul. I am who I am and I can't and shouldn't change that.

Thanksgiving

Yeah, it's cliche, but I figure it is Thanksgiving. What better time to do a "what I am thankful for" posting?

I am thankful for:

• my family. They may be crazy, but I can always count on them.
• the fact that I don't have to constantly be watching over my shoulder. People are generally trustworthy and aren't out to get you. In other places, if you don't have one hand on everything you own, it will disappear. I worse places, if you don't have one eye on everyone you know, you might end up dead.
• availability of things at convenience. I have never had to slaughter my own animal. I just have to go down the street to have practically anything I could want at my fingertips.
• People's predictability. While some call it boring, I think it is a very nice thing to know how someone will react to something and be ready for it.
• opportunities I have to do anything I really ever want to do. If I want to make Jewelery, then I can run to the store and get stuff for it. If I want to become a mechanic, I can just go to the nearest school and learn it. If I want to study anthropology, I can just do research on the internet. Anything I want to do, I can.
• my friends. I know that I can always be helped out in a jam.
• freedom to choose. No one has ever told me that I must become something I don't want to... or at least I know I never ever have to listen to them.
• my puppies... yes this is cheesy, but I am thankful for their absolute loyalty. No matter what happens, they will always love me.
• being me. I haven't been myself for a while and I forget how refreshing it is to just be able to be my own goofy self with people who are used to it, and even find it entertaining.
• smiling. Either smiling myself or people smiling to me, it just is nice.
• good hugs. In my opinion, no one gets them or gives them enough... which is weird for me to say, becasue I have always been a disliker of hugs. I suppose things change.
• understanding. Things are so much easier when people understand what you are trying to say.
• having the knowledge that I do. I love learning and love knowledge. Though I am no expert in anything, I like to know what I do.
• the Church. I know my life would be so much worse if it weren't for the Church and the things it teaches me.

I don't count my blessings frequently enough, and when I do, I'm always blown away with how much I'm blessed with. I have forgotten lately, and to anyone I have hurt with my negativity and pessimism, I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Things I have Learned on My Drive with My Family

so, my drive to Tucson is only half over, but its really quite interesting the things I have learned so far.

I have inherited different things from both my parents. I drive like my father. I always thought I learned it from my mom, because, let's be honest, females tend to drive similarly. But, as I've seen my life flash before my eyes about a half dozen times, and being told by my friends and brother that I make them worry for life when I drive, I think I must drive more like my dad. I'm turning into my mother, personality-wise, though. I love my mother, but I'm not sure how I feel about that. She is quick to get offended and doesn't have the ability to let things roll off her back, especially when it comes to my sister. I always thought my thought processes were more similar to my father's, but as I get older, I seem to be turning more and more into my mother. Again, I do love my mother, but I like how I used to be chill. (on a side note, I learned from my sister last night that "chill" is a Utah term and, apparently, I sound retarded when I say that in the Bay Area)
I laugh like a maniacal penguin sometimes. I know that I have weird laughs. I can't help it... I always have. My brother has always made fun of me and when I was about seven, I became very self conscious. So, I changed my laugh intentionally. Unfortunately, I never really knew what I should change it to becasue I had never really studied laughs, so I had many laughs. That never really changed. So now I have about a million different ways I laugh, and I have no real control over it. So, sometimes I laugh like a donkey, and sometimes I laugh like a maniacal penguin. I also snort... that's always fun.

I'm the "crazy" one in my family. I'm full of songs and I'm not afraid to sing them. I go to church and believe it. I don't claim to be addicted to drugs just for fun. I, believe it or not, am the one to take the dares and make a fool out of myself for fun. We all have our crazy moments, but I'd say I have the most moments.

I get very re-sensitized while I am at school. My brother showed me a youtube video (yes, on the road because we have awesome internet :D ) of a guy with touretts and it amazed me how much it kinda hurt me to hear someone screaming the way he did. While I'm not a super sensitive person when it comes to cursing, and I actually think that people at school are generally way too serious about it, I was suprised how sensitive I was to it.

I have a place in my family. Believe it or not, I am the mediator in my family. I usually have the most level head in the family. I do have occasions where I go a little crazy, but majority of the time, I am the outsider able to give the most unbiased opinion. If I can't find my place anywhere else in the world, at least I know that I have a purpose in my family.

It's amazing how well blessings work. I'm not going to lie. I'm very skeptical about blessings, but this one seems to have helped a ton. Today, and most of yesterday, I'm finally able to detatch myself and look objectively at my whole situation. I now feel at peace inside about whatever might happen in the future. I know longer have this feeling of a hole left in the pit of my body that somebody decided to fill with metal bars that were actively twisting and breaking inside of me. Now, I feel the most normal I've been in a long time. It may not be how I want it to be, but I know that however it does turn out, I will feel okay about it.

I can never stop loving the people I have ever loved. Even if I don't think people who I love and who once loved me still do, I worry. I care for people... it just my nature. I still even love Nolan and it makes me very sad to see where his life has gone. I still love my friends from high school, and though I don't speak to them very often, or see them, I still... I guess check up on them would be the only way to put it. I like to know where my friends have ended up, and I like to help them be where they want to, if I can. In any case, I always worry about my friends and if they are okay, or going to be okay. I also love my family, as much as we don't ever show it. I miss them, though I was always raised to be so independent. I worry about them, too. I like to help... that's one thing I'm really happy I inherited from my mom.

I'm sure before I get to Arizona, there will be a million more things I'm going to want to put up here, but for now, I have said what I feel I need to... I have a feeling this will be the week of blog postings, though, for me.